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JokesObama Laughing; Jokes


Here you will find my favourite kid-friendly jokes. You can use these for a joke of the day, save them for moments of boredom or transition, or tell them during a game of Graveyard. There's a lot.



How do you stop a crow from cawing?

You take away it's phone


How do you clean a sheep?

Give it a baa-th


What is a cow's favourite game?



What do chickens do in an emergency?

Find the eggs-it


Why was the garbage man feeling so blue?

He was down in the dumps


What do you call a woman who builds wire fences?



What's a pirate's favourite snack?

Chocolate ship cookies


What do pirates do for fun?

Play on their iPatch


Why did the pirate go to the boat store?

They had a sail


Why did the watch stop working?

It was ticked off


What do whales use to turn their pancakes?

Their flippers


Why are zebras bad at colouring?

They won't stay between the lions


What's a cow's favourite movie?

It's an Udder-full Life


What do you comb a rabbit with?

A hare brush


Where did the tricerotops buy it's horns?

At the dino-store


What did the geologist say after the big earthquake?

"It's not my fault!"


What's the best city for wandering around?



What does a turtle do on it's birthday?

It shell-ebrates


What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer


What stories do rabbit's like best?

Ones with hoppy endings


What did the cowboy say when he fell off his horse?

"I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!"


What do you call a sick alligator?

An illigator


Why can't you play games in the African savannah?

There are too many cheetahs


Why can't you play soccer with a pig?

They always hog the ball


Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide


Knock Knock

Who's there?


House who?

House it going?


What do polar bears eat for lunch?



What kind of monkey flies?

A hot-air baboon


What did the water say to the freezer?

"Ice to see you"


How do you say hi to the ocean?



Why didn't the lobster share it's toys?

Because it was shellfish


What do you call a camel in the artic?



What does a vampire bathe in?

A bat-tub


What's a cat's favourite colour?



How do bees get to school?

They ride the school buzz


What do dogs think about sandpaper?



What's a tree's favourite thing to drink?

Root beer


What kind of dog has the cleanest fur?

A shampoo-dle


What's a ghost's favourite food?



How do skeletons call their friends?

On the tele-bone


Why did the banana go to the doctor?

It wasn't peeling well


What do martians eat for dessert?



What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk


What do you call a pig that does karate?

Pork chop


What game do cows play at parties?

Moo-sical chairs


What do you call an illegally paked frog?



What did the horse say when it reached the end of it's meal?

"That's the last straw!"


Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size


What did the mother buffalo say to her son before he left?



Knock Knock

Who's there?


Ash who?

Bless you


Knock Kncok

Who's there?


Tank who?

You're welcome


Knock Knock

Who's there?


Boo who?

You don't have to cry about it, it's just a joke


What time should you go to the dentist?



Where do dogs go when the lose their tails?

To the retail store


What do you call a frog with no legs?



What do cows get when they do all their chores?



Why do milking stools only have 3 legs?

Because the cow has the udder


How do porcupines play leapfrog?

Very carefully


What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meow-tain


Why did the boy go to the barber's before the race?

Because the barber gave him a short cut.


When I was young there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew Y


What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder


Have you heard the joke about the toast?

No? It's butter that way


What do you give a dog with a fever?

Ketchup. It's the best thing for a hot dog


If life gives you melons... you might be dyslexic


Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory?

He just couldn't concentrate


What do you call a bear with no socks?



Why did the tomato turn red?

It saw the salad dressing


What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?



Where did the skunk park his car?

Odour there


How do you find a princess?

You follow the foot prince


What do you call a funny mountain?



What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the closet?



How do you make an octopus laugh?

With ten tickles


Why was the skeleton sad at the party?

Because he had no body to dance with


Why are pirates called pirates?

'Cause they arrrrrrr


What washes up on very small beaches?



What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher say to spit your gum out but the train says "chew chew"


Did you hear the joke about the roof?

Nevermind, it'll just go over your head


What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?

A cat-has-trophy!


Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will Let It Go


What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time


What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business


What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta


What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator


Knock Knock

Who's there?


Theodore who?

Theodore is stuck and it won't open


Knock Knock

Who's there?


Figs who?

Figs the doorbell, it's broken


What did the judge say to the dentist?

"Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"


What do you call an underwater spy?

James Pond


What do you call a flying police car?

A heli-cop-car


Why was the doctor mad?

He had run out of patients!


What did the ghost teacher say to the class?

Look at the board and I will go through it again


Who made King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference


What do you write on a robot's tombstone?

Rust in Peace


What did the judge give the paragraph?

A sentence


Why did the teacher stick her toes in the pool?

To test the water


If I had 6 apples in one hand and 7 in the other, what would I have?

Big hands


How does the barber cut the man-in-the-moon's hair?

'E-clipse it


Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow?

It always went back four seconds


What is a butterfly's favourite subject at school?



What's the hardest part about sky-diving?

The ground


What object is king of the classroom?

The ruler


When do astronauts eat?

At Launch-time


Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole-in-one


What game do bat's like to play?



What did the little tree say to the big tree?

Leaf me alone


Why can't Cinderella play soccer?

Because she's always running away from the ball


What's a tree's least favourite month?



What kind of tree can fit in your hand?

A palm tree


How do trees get on the internet?

They log in


Where do astronauts get their music?



What kind of clothes do clouds wear?



What did one volcano say to the other volcano?

I lava you! You magma feel special


What type of music are balloons scared of?

Pop music


What is the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish


What kind of flower grows on your face?



What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck


How do you cure a headache?

Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear




Have a joke or two for me? Send them by email to (put Jokes in the subject line)